Dec 5, 2013

Another day passes, another day older

Sometime in the last two years, I decided that I should do more of what makes me happy and what I want to do. Doing what I want to do will naturally tend to make me happy. I started doing things I wanted, and doing less just for the sake of others. I've realized that as I grow older, as I develop a slightly better sense of what I am and what I want, my tolerance for anything against it has reduced. Certain mental comforts attain top priority however selfish it may seem. My anger has reduced and I am more relaxed with everyone. Because I look out for myself I don't do things for others grudgingly and have nothing to be pissed off about. Everyone need to look out for himself/herself to an extent.

I am inherently lazy. The first thing I was worried about growing older was the responsibilies that came with it. As in, not the being grown up type of responsibilities. The more troublesome activities like paying taxes, bills etc on time, for fear of being lazy and forgetting them. I think I developed that idea seeing my parents maintain ledgers of paperwork for taxes and expenses and loans. Every time a financial year ends,  my mom and dad sit and sift through a YEAR of paperwork and quibble. At the end of it they'll be so happy though. But everything now is so different. Taxes are actually pretty easy to do because companies do it automatically and all you have to do is fill a form and shit. All my childhood was a....gross underestimation of how things advance with time. 

The problems as I grow up, are totally different in nature. A friend of mine, whose words I've grown to attach some importance over the last three years, once told me - "No problem is as big as you think it is" as he stirred the contents of his pan around. That has calmed me down a lot. I stop and think about what I can do about it. I try to do what I can possibly do to solve it. Things beyond my ability are things I needn't worry about because worry changes the outcome not. It only makes your single day of sunshine in a cold December, shitty. 

I wasn't really into computers and how they work, until I was 16. I'm glad I took this decision because I really love writing functional code. It's nice to have that productive discussion and see those pieces fall into place. Not writing code for days on end, because you're sure you'll go through a longer patch when all you want to do is build the fucking thing. 

I like what I'm doing now. The people I meet. The postcards I get.The small fascinating things like noticing how in my zip code 11211, the 2 is writing a little higher than the 1s, something like the numbering of pages in a book. The places I go to. Certain unfulfilled intentions always remain, which I will think about in the priority that my self made system of morals, built from everything I've learnt and experienced, attach to them. Because that is all we are on a level, a system of beliefs.

I should write more. This rustiness will fade if I write more.