home stretch

i've been meaning to do this for a while now. this happens to coincide with a day before the new years', but by no means is it going to be anything to do with it. this is what happens when a confused, ill at ease, 20 year old, has internet access and nothing else to do, and, oh, thinks philosophy is his forte. this is a me, over the past few months, solely for my sake, not yours, not anyone else's, but you're welcome to read.

i've backspaced text around a hundred times now. honestly i don't know what i'm doing. there is so much going on, that i want things to be bulleted in my head, those star shaped bullets, thank you very much.

along came final year, adding to that list. there was a point in time when i had six exams to write, a wedding to attend and a toefl test to take, in a span of 5 days. then i had applications to finish, semester exams to take care of, (last semester or first semester, they're all the same to parents), a job to get and an internship to spend the next six months usefully. it was like matrix when all the smiths shoot at neo and he raises a hand and stops the bullets. i raised my hand and almost lost a finger.

gre, toefl and internship fell into place. i found out that i'd have 2 months at home before spending 6 months elsewhere in india, and the next few years, elsewhere. i wanted time to myself. i wanted everything to slow down. everything, but time, did. i was found wanting, in a hurry to get stuff done. i withdrew into a shell i'd made for myself, rather pushed into it by things happening around me. someone took my usual seat at the window, and i had to move on.

things changed. the extent of the effect those "changes"had cannot possibly be explained and the words "things changed" do not do justice to them. priorities changed, some in a good way, some not so good. i finally realised how foolish i had been for the past three years. i took a raincheck from some people, and a reality check from others.

asq and cqc, i love you.

then came placements and the end of the seventh semester. it is that time of the year when people make friends real fast, just a month before they part ways, after having sat idle for 3 and a half years. it is the time of the year that when most people get placed and get a job, thereby fulfilling their purpose to have taken computer science, sadly. it is the time for controversies and celebrations. sometimes you feel like you've been played, like things are so unfair, but you can't do anything about it. i saw hypocrites. i saw people who practised what they, earlier, condemned. i hated how unacceptable acts become justified in a person's view, once they themselves practise them. some have words in their slambook than they've actually talked face to face. I'm making this as obscure as possible,for obvious reasons. i have enough bones to pick.

i'm currently at chennai, interning at ebay. i had to finish my applications for graduate study before i left home. i got tired of saying 'purdue, stanford, umich, ut, uiuc, ucb' again and again. i got tired of proofreading my sop. finally i got it all done, and only the wait remains.

it's been a month here. i already have a lot of firsts to my credit. my first roomies, my first mentor, my first paycheck, first time cleaning the house, disregard for phone bill, first team outing, foosball, song writing/singing, to mention a few. it's been a good ride so far, considering the fact that i landed in chennai with a world of plans and no place to say. we walked,and walked and walked till we found this place we're currently at. i was exhausted, but i felt good.

along came my brother, then, making things infinitely better. :) reunions are priceless. reunions generally portend good news, and if the person in question has chocolates and a polaroid camera, all the merrier. the materialistic me says hi.

so i guess i'm saying things will always change. your rainbow is just around the corner, but only if you dare to look. in order to survive, we cling onto everything we understand and know, and call it reality. so, effectively, reality is skewed, and changes as we know and understand more. reality is a paradigm. it is a consequence of what you do and what you believe in. ignore it, pretend, and you'll fall further than you already have.

on some days, you'll have the best day ever. everything will go your way, like how my dead laptop which refused to boot suddenly booted up, and the random pretty girl got on my bus (in your face, bus no.1). some other days are a pain in the ass. you can only try to make them better. tell her she looks pretty, give him a wide grin, walk along the beach, have a coffee with a sugar and a half, forget you're in a conference room with thin walls and sing, sigh at the moon, take pictures, take some more pictures. don't forget that if you fell in love once, you'll fall in love again, if ever you have second thoughts.

yea, that's more or less what i had in mind, minus the details. another episode in my timesnewroman life.